Random DVD Round-Up 3 - THE EXPENDABLES

As a massive fan of eighties action flicks - everything from Arnie classics like RED HEAT and PREDATOR - to all those Sly Stallone ROCKY flicks - I was massively looking forward to Sly Stallone's nostalgia-fest, THE EXPENDABLES. Any movie features Sly, Dolph, Arnie, Mickey Rourke et al was going to be okay with me. It was a bit disappointing they couldn't get Jean-Claude van Damme too but hey, it was a dream cast-list of muscle-bound meat-heads plus their younger heir apparent, Jason Statham. The plot also sounded reassuring hackneyed - a bunch of mercenaries are hired by the CIA to go depose a Latin American dictator. Simple as. Knife fights, gun fights, fist fights, blowing shit up, liberating locals and presumably returning home to some grateful hot totty.

What did we get? Half an hour of sheer nostalgia and gratitude on the part of this viewer. Every time I saw another aged crony on the screen I felt warm and fuzzy. But after the initial thrill had passed, I was just plain bored. Because THE EXPENDABLES is basically a very very mediocre film. Sure, all the explosions and stunts are there, but there are no stakes. The dialogue is crappy and I really didn't care about any of it. What writer-director Sly Stallone failed to realise was that in those 1980s classics, sure there was ridonkulousness, but there was also heart. We cared about Rocky and Adrian. Rambo was actually a pretty deep film about psychological scarring and alienation. Movies like TERMINATOR and RUNNING MAN had proper political and sci-fi credentials. And even when the movies were purely stupid - PREDATOR springs to mind - they had the good sense to amp everything up to R-rated craziness. And while THE EXPENDABLES had some of the violence, and I say this with all respect to the feminist cause, where were the boobs?

Sad, but true, THE EXPENDABLES was just to bland and safe and polished.

THE EXPENDABLES opened in August/September 2010 and is now available to rent and buy.

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR - mindless fun, yay!

As I said in my review of HELLBOY II, the action-adventure romantic-comedy is one of the hardest genres to pull off. It demands a disciplined approach to plotting and the ability to keep the audience engaged in an emotional story despite all the whistles and bangs of the set-piece action sequences. In short, the director needs to be a master of technology, action, comedy and bring it all together in a coherent whole. When adventure movies work, they are about as much fun as you can have at the cinema. They exploit the scale and the group participation that you can only get with a packed house on opening night in a really big screen. I defy you to enjoy anything more than the opening night of HELLBOY II or, back in the day, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARC or THE GOONIES. INDIANA JONES 4 should've given us that thrill but it didn't.

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR certainly isn't in the class of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, and it owes those movies a debt of gratitude for set pieces in Shanghai and scenes at archeological digs. But THE MUMMY series, of which this is the best yet, certainly ticks all the right boxes for an entertaining, undemanding night out at the cinema. The movies have a lot of energy, exciting chase scenes and exotic locations, and for the most part roll along at a rapid pace throwing a good few laughs along the way.

In this episode, Rick and Evy are disgruntled with boring post-war married life, and take up the Foreign Office's offer to deliver a precious jewel to Shanghai. It turns out that the jewel will help resurrect an ancient Chinese emperor and his Terracotta Army - artefacts that Rick and Evy's son Alex just happens to have excavated. So follows much running, leaping, flying, wise-cracking and romancing.

The obvious glitches are the casting of a boy who looks way to old relative to his parents, and the fact that Maria Bello, fine actress though she is, being unable to pull off an English accent. It's also a bit frustrating to see Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh in a movie but no awesome martial arts sequences. However, this is more than compensated for by Brendan Fraser's trademark gusto, and John Hannah's ability to make cheesy lines like "My ass is on fire: spank my ass!" funny.

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR is on release in Argentina, Chile, Hong Kong, Hungary, the Netherlands, the Philippines, Portugal, Russia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Korea, Brazil, Canada, Colombia, India, Mexico, Panama, Poland, Spain, Turkey, the USA, Venezuela, Egypt, France, Iceland, Indonesia and the UK. It opens this weekend in Germany, Austria, Bulgaria, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, Norway, Pakistan, Romania, Sweden and Japan, It opens next weekend in Belgium, Croatia, Slovenia, Japan and Israel. The movie opens in September in Australia, Greece, New Zealand and Italy.

THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM - Mun-kaaaaaaaaayyyy!!!

FORBIDDEN KINGDOM is a loving a tribute to chessy kung-fu flicks and the dream movie for geeky kung-fu fanboys around the globe. The movie gives them their dream of being transported from drab reality into a world where Jet Li and Jackie Chan will teach them to fight and win the hot Asian chick of their dreams. But it's also a movie that lovingly mocks the conventions of the genre and the fans who worship it. (WANTED wishes it had this much heart and wit.) Jet Li spoofs Masaaki Sakai's Monkey - he fights brilliantly but he's also brilliantly funny. Both Jet Li and Jackie Chan mock the silly white teenagers who know every move but can't perform a single one. And let's not forget the Pure Comedy Genius of the Silent Monk making rain for the Drunken Master!

Comedy aside, fanboys will be watching the movie for the first screen battle between Jet Li and Jackie Chan. About half an hour in we see their fight. Yes, there's some wire-fu but it's mostly fist-on-fist. Awesome stuff, even if the physical impact of all the contact is muted for the 12A rating.

In fairness, the narrative surrounding the fight scenes is very corny Cinderella stuff. The dialogue is cheesy as is the incipient romance between the geek and the kung fu chick is weak. I also loved the montage where the kid learned kung fu in a week. Truly worthy of a TEAM AMERICA tribute song! Still, I can't deny that the movie left me in a cheerful mood. It's nice to think that dreams can come true. What else is cinema for? And all that wonderful location photography of sun-lit Chinese countryside made for a nice change after the torrential London rains.

FORBIDDEN KINGDOM was released earlier this year in Malaysia, Singapore, Canada, Indoensia, the Philippines, Thailand, the US, Hong Kong, Russia, South Lorea, India, Turkey, Israel, Portugal, Kuwait, Ukraine and Iceland. It goes on release in the UK today and opens in Estonia, Finland, Japan and Australia later in July. It opens in Norway, Brazil and the Netherlands in August; in New Zealand, Belgium and France in September and in Spain in October.

WAR - what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.

The title of this review is pretty lame and obvious, but not as lame and obvious as Philip G Atwell's directorial debut. Jason Statham plays an American cop out to avenge his partner's death at the hands of a Triad assassin played by Jet Li. Statham's accent is caught somewhere between West Hollywood and Billericay. Li moves through the movie barely uttering a word. Neither is particularly charismatic. The fight scenes are decently choreographed but that doesn't make up for the unimaginative dialogue and formulaic structure. Admittely, there is a neat plot twist near the end of the film, but by that point I was so alienated by proceedings, I couldn't have cared less.

WAR was released in most countries in Autumn 2007. It opens in South Korea on February 28th and is also available on DVD.