Wednesday, November 01, 2006

LOVECRACKED: THE MOVIE - so bad it's not even a movie

This review is posted by guest reviewer, Nik, who can normally be found here:

Let me tell you a story. I was once on a night-bus from Glasgow to London. I made the mistake of getting on first, a mistake because then you can't choose who you're sitting beside. An old guy, John, sat beside me on that bus, and proceeded to start touching my leg as he talked to me. I told him to stop, but then a few minutes later he would start again. The bus was full, I couldn't change seats. I told him to stop again. He then pretended to go to sleep, but every time there was a bump in the M6 his hand would jolt slightly closer to my thigh. I didn't sleep a wink. It became known as Big Gay John's Big Gay Busride by my friends.

But had I never met Big Gay John then LOVECRACKED: THE MOVIE would have been the gayest thing that ever happened to me. It is now second only to my Big Gay Busride. This movie is worse, yes worse, than Redneck Hillybilly Alien Abduction. The plot is non-existent. The script is abysmal. There are no characters. The acting is like week old smegma scraped off the wrinkly unwashed penis of a second world war veteran by a saggy prostitute's teeth. It got so bad at some points that I had to turn the sound down so that I could bear watching it. It's not a bad movie - not because it isn't bad - but because it isn't a movie. Rather it's a dried up crusty piece of dog-shit drying in the sun on a pavement that if you bit into you'd find a still liquid centre with some little pieces of sweetcorn that would pop as you chewed them.

That should teach you, never review random DVDs sent to you by companies called "Biff Juggernaut Productions" claiming to be horror comedy. Or any other genre. This was truly execrable. Not even home video quality. Worse than my video reviews for viewabilty and production value. Not even in the category of so bad it's good (like BAD TASTE, or BRAINDEAD). It was so fucking bad that I actually argued with Bina007 on the phone that we shouldn't review it, because even mentioning its name in public would give the film notoriety it didn't deserve - and anyway, wasn't even describing such an undisputed crusting white bead of cocksnot drying on the anal hair of humanity on a public forum a crime in this country? If not, it should be. Bina007 honey, next time, you're reviewing the strange DVDs you get sent. Peace out.


  1. Where can I get a copy? lmao I love your imaginitive but vulgar similes & metaphors :-D

  2. It was less good than every other film, and slightly better than getting your testicles crushed slowly underfoot.