Wednesday, September 30, 2009
DVD review - THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Justifiably overlooked DVD of the month - GIGANTIC
Monday, September 28, 2009
FAME: I've had more memorable turds
The set-pieces were damp squibs, they were more about tits-n-ass than production values or choreography. The cardboard-cut-out so-called characters failed to develop in the audience even one iota of engagement or interest. The dialogue descended into meaningless drivel or saccharine monologues (“success is love” – “if you don’t open up you’ll never be an actor”). The camerawork was lazy, and like the rest of the film insulted the viewer’s intelligence.
10 minutes in, I asked myself, “is this as good as it gets?” Sadly, it was. An hour later I asked Bina007 whether I’d fallen asleep during the part that contained the point. She confirmed that I hadn’t, and she suggested we leave. Stupidly I declined. We waited until the bitter end, and were rewarded with an unintentionally hilarious finale, complete with slow-motion ballet to a song called “Don’t Be Afraid to Succeed!” I laughed – but the £8.50 I’d spent on a ticket wasn’t laughing with me.
Perhaps most damningly of all, an hour later as Mrs Plainview and I wrote this review, neither of us could remember a single name of a single character in the movie. The only disagreement we had was when Mrs Plainview thought the strapline to this review should be: "gives a bad name to the word 'shite'" As you can see I over-ruled her, but still went for a suitably poo-based slogan.
This was execrable. Rent the original on DVD, or better still, buy the “Best of the 80s” CD from Woolworths Online, turn up your ghetto-blaster, put on a red head-band and rock away. Whatever you do, don’t go and see this – it’s the worst film I’ve seen this year – and by far the most awful remake I’ve ever seen.
Really, truly shocking.
FAME is on release in the USA, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, South Korea, Canada, Estonia and Singapore. It opens next week in Greece, Israel and Belgium. It opens in October 7th in Belgium, France, the Netherlands, Denmark, Iceland, Italy and Sweden. It opens on October 15th in Slovenia, Brazil, Cyprus, Finland and Norway. It opens on October 30th in Austria and Spain. It opens on November 19th in Germany and Bulgaria. It opens on December 10th in Russia and on January 7th in the Czech Republic.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
SURROGATES - weakly plotted sci-fi thriller
SURROGATES is on release in Australia, Hong Kong, Israel, Kazakhstan, Russia, Canada, Poland, Turkey, the UK and the US. It opens next week in Egypt, Hungary, singapore, South Korea, Bulgaria, Finland, Iceland, Norway and Sweden. Itopens on October 9th in the Czech Republic, Brazil, Denmark and Estonia. It opens on October 15th in the Netherlands and Spain. It opens on October 22nd in New Zealand, Slovenia and the Ukraine. It opens on October 28th in Belgium, france, Argentina and Portugal. It opens on November 5th in Greece and Italy. It opens on January 5th in Italy; January 21st in Germany and January 22nd in Japan.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
GAMER - sporadically interesting Running Man remake
Sunday, September 20, 2009
(500) DAYS OF SUMMER - twee
(500) DAYS OF SUMMER played Sundance 2009 and opened earlier this year in the US and Canada. It is currently on release in the UK, Australia and Italy. It opens next week in the Netherlands and on October 1st in France, New Zealand and Taiwan. It opens on October 8th in the Czech Republic, Singapore and Turkey. It opens on October 22nd in Germany, Russia and Spain, and on October 30th in Finland and Norway. It opens in November in Belgium, Croatia, Brazil, Poland and Argentina. It opens in December in Slovenia and Estonia and on January 9th in Japan.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
DORIAN GRAY - a mess
Friday, September 18, 2009
JULIE & JULIA - boring and brilliant respectively
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Late review - LITTLE ASHES
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
ADVENTURELAND - surprsingly sensitive
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
AWAY WE GO - twee
Monday, September 14, 2009
MADEA GOES TO JAIL - bipolar
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Overlooked DVD of the month - THE KILLING ROOM
Saturday, September 12, 2009
YEAR ONE - sporadically, funnier than I'd been led to believe
Friday, September 11, 2009
SORORITY ROW - cinematic pot noodle
Thursday, September 10, 2009
G. I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA - cinematic TVR
I feel the same way about G I JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA. Your teenage kid brother might like it, but what does he know, eh?
G I JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA isn't so bad, it's good. It's so bad, period. Much like the TRANSFORMERS flicks, similarly spawned from shitty kids toys, the movie is heavy on ludicrous CGI special effects and loud-shouty battle scenes. In the brief spaces when the fighting stops, there's a lot of rather convoluted plot crammed in. Essentially, there are bunch of baddie arms dealers who've created nano-bot super-soldiers. On the other side, there are a bunch of tooled up soldiers who are trying to stop them. In the middle, there's a chick who used to be in love with the good guy but who is know kicking ass for the baddies. But hey, apparently even a woman scorned can't resist beefcake Channing Tatum.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
BROKEN EMBRACES / LOS ABRAZOS ROTOS - damp squib
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Late review - LAND OF THE LOST
Friday, September 04, 2009
Late review - CHANDI CHOWK TO CHINA
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Pantheon movie of the month - ERASERHEAD
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
THE FINAL DESTINATION: 3D - Freakin Hilarious!
Sure, if we'd seen the 2D version we've have been hugely disappointed. The film really was very, very dumb. But the 3D made it absolutely fantastic. I laughed raucously all the way through. There's nothing funnier than seeing a trailer-trash NASCAR fan getting her entire body crushed by a flying 12-valve petrol engine landing plum on her torso - in brilliant 3D - with blood and shit flying out of the screen at you. It really is that sort of "entertainment".
So as long as you're not expecting anything clever or high quality, and you're willing to spend that extra penny on 3D Glasses at the cinema, you're likely to pass a very silly and enjoyable hour and a half. On the other hand, if you like your films with a story that makes sense, and characters with substance, and you don't get a vicarious thrill from seeing people getting exploding nails driven into their skulls, then this isn't the film for you.
Otherwise, sit back and enjoy!