MEET DAVE - mirthless

MEET DAVE is a truly mirthless comedy from the people that brought you NORBIT.

Eddie Murphy plays a human-replicant droid sent my a miniature alien species to drain earth of its water. The survival of their race entails the destruction of our world. However, when the robot, Dave, starts hanging out with a cute moppet from New York and his sweet mother, he learns the meaning of love and laughter, and loses his will to destroy humanity.

This film is high concept but low on laughs. We've all seen movies that have random strangers struggling to fit in with our weird earth manners. This sort of thing was done far better in the TV seris, THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN, for instance. And as for the production design, it's distinctly low-rent. Compare the set design for the captain's bridge inside Dave's head with any sci-fi show, or the special effects in the decades earlier INNERSPACE.

Overall, then, a big fat thumbs down.

MEET DAVE is on release in the US, Iceland, Kuwait, Russia, Finland, Indonesia and Romania. It opens next weekend in the UK, Australia, Israel and Estonia. It opens later in July in Mexico, Venezuala and Greece. MEET DAVE opens in August in Belgium, Argentina, Brazil, Egypt, France, Singapore, the Netherlands, Portugal, Denmark, Italy, Autria, Germany, Hong Kong, Slovenia and Sweden. It opens on September 19th in Norway and on December 19th in Japan.

LONELY HEARTS - everything THE BLACK DAHLIA should've been

LONELY HEARTS is a beautifully put together, well-cast, engaging crime thriller based on gruesome crimes that took place in 1940s America. In fact, it’s everything the fiasco that was THE BLACK DAHLIA should have been.

Jared Leto plays real-life con-man, Ray Fernandez, who charms lonely divorcees and women out of their money. He’s mean but not menacing. He hooks up with Salma Hayek’s psychotic nymphomaniac, Martha Beck, whose jealous temper leads them into a truly twisted relationship. She murders one of their marks in a fit of pique and goads him into other murders. It’s a convincing and petrifying psychological portrait: Leto and Hayek really sell the notion that they are two “crazy lovebirds” – in fact, this may be Hayek’s career-defining performance, second only to her role as Frida Kahlo. The second plot strand sees John Travolta and James Gandolfini play the rozzers on the killers’ tail. Travolta gives a rare and appropriately introverted performance as a man whose conscientiousness a cop drove his wife to suicide. Gandolfini, however, does not move beyond his wise guy persona, and Laura Dern, as Travolta’s new lover, has too little to do. Scott Caan, however, has a nice smaller role. Performances aside, the movie looks fantastic – with all the costumes, locations and incidental details adding to the authenticity. I also love the matter-of-factness of the violence. The opening credits are a case in point. Absolutely class. All in all, despite, the limited release and under-the-radar marketing, LONELY HEARTS is definitely worth checking out.

LONELY HEARTS went on release in the US, Taiwan, Denmark, Finland, Israel and Norway in 2006 and in the Netherlands, Serbia & Montenegro, Germany, Belgium, Austria, Greece, France, Spain and Egypt earlier this year. It is currently on release in Mexico and the UK and opens in Argentina on October 4th. It is also available on Region 1 DVD.

OCEAN'S THIRTEEN are smug bastards

OCEAN'S THIRTEEN is an arrogant film. Look how smooth we are; look how well we dress; look at our private jets and our designer sunglasses; look at the luxury hotels we stay in; look at the stand-up friends we have; look how effortlessly we slice through apparently impenetratable security systems.....

In short, look how COOL we are.

We're so cool, you'll pay ten quid to watch us be cool. And we won't have to create genuine plot twists like in OCEAN'S ELEVEN. And we won't bother having a love-story at the movie's heart. Heck, with our ludicrous channel tunnel plot-line we'll break all bounds of credibility. And you won't even care because you'll be so blinded by our dazzling teeth.

The fact that the script-writers have the audacity to rail against the modern Vegas - the crass commercialisation and PG-i-sation the Strip - infuriates me with its hypocrisy. And were they trying to make some point about underpaid Mexican workers? I mean, seriously, do they really think that from THIS platform, they can hint at a social critique? I am stumped.

OCEAN'S THIRTEEN is on global release.