STRETCH

STRETCH is a super-low budget film shot in fast gonzo style and, despite an all-star cast, has gone to straight to video. This is a shame because it's really quite funny and works well under its own momentum.  It's directed by Joe Carnahan who directed the awesome Liam Neeson drama, THE GREY, as well as that awful A-TEAM reboot. I'm pleased to say that this movie definitely belongs with THE GREY as one of Carnahan's better movies.   

Patrick Wilson stars as a failed actor turned limo driver and recovering addict called Stretch who's still paying off the debts he incurred in his former life.  This day in the life starts when his creditors demand that he repay his $6k debt that night, he blows his first pick-up (a hilarious David Hasselhof playing himself) and tries to jack another high-paying client from his limo company's big rival, The Jovi.  This involves some convoluted events including Ray Liotta giving him a gun and a badge and a heavily disguised and hilariously gonzo Chris Pine playing a ultra-rich playboy who promises to pay off Stretch's debt if he in turn goes to pick up a suitcase full of money and some drugs.  Meanwhile, Stretch encounters his ex-girlfriend and sets up a blind date. Oh yes, and did I tell you that Stretch has a heavy voice-over throughout the movie and sees visions of his dead ex-colleague played by Ed Helms?

If all this sounds ridiculous it is.  But the movie does what all ridiculous movies needs to do - it has utter conviction in what it's doing and never winks at the camera, even when Hasselhof is on screen.  The result is a film that may  not be credible but which, against all odds, has us rooting for the protagonist and carries us along on a wave of fast dialogue, outlandish characters and crazy situations.

STRETCH has a running time of 94 minutes and is rated R. STRETCH is a straight to video movie that is available on streaming services. 

SUNDANCE LONDON 2013 - Day 3 - A.C.O.D.

Writer-producer Stu Zicherman's directorial début is a heartfelt, sporadically funny but overwhelmingly tepid relationship comedy about a guy called Carter who is still so traumatised by his parents divorce that he derails his kid brother's wedding. Zicherman's contention is that his peer group of thirty something Americans is the first generation to have to deal with errant parents, step siblings and general emotional chaos, leaving hem with, at best, a bunch of practical coping mechanisms that hide deep set neuroses. They are the ACODs of the title - Adult Children Of Divorce. The protagonist in this film is a case in point. On the surface he seems in control, a classic manager of chaos. He's spent his life resenting his parents, protecting his younger siblings and seeking the stable in his girlfriend. But when forced to broker both of his parents turning up to his brother's wedding, he discovers that he was actually the subject of a book on kids dealing with divorce. And his evident continued difficulties sparks a sequel.

There's a lot to like in Ben Karlin and Zicherman's script. There are moments that feel authentic and clearly come from personal experience. Some of the verbal humour is also fantastically on point, and there are a fair few laugh out loud moments, mostly related to Carter's dad who is played by Richard Jenkins, and totally steals the movie. I also admire their courage in not having to tie up all the ends neatly. But set against this we have characters and sub plots that seem to go nowhere (Jessica Alba I'm looking at you), a highly contrived moment of catharsis in the final act, and, well, the casting of the lead actor.

Adam Scott is often the supporting actor in mainstream pictures: the classic decent boyfriend who has a side seat for the action. Maybe it's because he's not a conventionally Hollywood chiselled leading man? I think he's a decent actor but there's just something off about him in this role, and I've come to the conclusion that he's just not likeable or charismatic enough to carry a film. I know that sounds mean, and that many character actors are wonderful when given the stage - not least Richard Jenkins. I also realise that Scott is playing an uptight worriwort, and that isn't a role you'd think of as being fun to spend time with. But Carter is at the centre of this film and one must be happy spending time with him, otherwise the film doesn't hang together. Just imagine what the movie might have been like had it starred Andrew Lincoln or maybe Josh Radnor?

A.C.O.D. played Sundance and Sundance London 2013. It does not yet have a commercial release date.

A.C.O.D. has a running time of 90 minutes.

THE KILLER INSIDE ME - They fuck you up, your mum and dad Part Two

Lou Ford is a courteous, softly spoken cop in 1950s Texas. He has a sweetheart called Amy who dotes on him: the townsfolk think he's a stand-up guy. But when he was a kid, Lou's housekeeper got off on his spanking her. And this poor little fucked up kid grew up into the kind of guy who can only express love through violence. Lou is something of an enigma - he is alienated from himself - from real emotional engagement with others - and thus from the viewer. Far more intriguing, from a psychological standpoint, are the two women - his girlfriend and his hooker-mistress - who love him. It's mysterious that they love such an emotionally avoidant man - let alone that they continue to do so despite suffering at his hands. Maybe they too were fucked up by their parents? Maybe it's just another case of people being attracted to people whose pathologies enable their own.

Whatever the answer, this is not the kind of film that deals in straightforward answers. Rather, Michael Winterbottom gives us a more or less faithful adaptation of the celebrated pulp novel from Jim Thompson - its triumphs and failures in tact. The film works best as a sinister mood piece, anchored by the superb central performance of Casey Affleck and embedded in superlative production design. I was genuinely surprised that actresses known best for fluffy rom-coms - Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson - would want to appear in such a film, and yet more surprised to see how well they acted in the demanding supporting roles as Lou's mistress and girlfriend respectively. They really hold their own against a supporting cast of the calibre of Ned Beatty and Elias Koteas. This movie is worth watching for the quality of the performances and the cinematography alone.

Nonetheless, this is a flawed film. Yes, there's a crime caper that propels the plot, and some faint dramatic tension between the unions, big business, and a cover up, but this movie is basically a psycho-drama. The fault of the piece lies in the fact that, as psycho-drama, it always holds the viewer at a distance from the motivations of the three key characters. This makes for a frustrating film - a teasing provocation.

One final word about the violence in the movie. THE KILLER INSIDE ME got a lot of press coverage in the UK on account of its graphic depiction of violence against women. Moreover, the movie was accused of misogyny on the grounds that the women in the movie apparently get off on being victimised. To my mind, THE KILLER INSIDE ME is not at the extremes of graphic violence in cinema. Viewers used to the cinema of Haneke or Noe will have seen far worse. Moreover, there is no sense in which this film is "torture porn". Winterbottom's intentions are manifestly earnest. I also find accusations of misogyny misplaced. Yes, the fact that these women go back for more is disturbing. But surely the movie/book are saying something about a particular psychopathology - and in this case it happens to involve the man as sadist and women as masochists. But there is no general point to be made about the role of men and women in such relationships. After all, just look at the dependent relationship between Johnny Papas and Lou.

Additional tags: Mags Arnold, Melissa Parmenter, Tom Bower, Simon Baker, Liam Aiken, Jay R Ferguson, Jim Thompson

THE KILLER INSIDE ME played Sundance and Berlin 2010 and is currently on release in the UK, USA and Denmark. It opens next weekend in South Korea. It opens in August in Belgium and France; in September in Switzerland, Greece and Taiwan; in Finland and the Netherlands in October.

VALENTINE'S DAY - not entirely unwatchable

VALENTINE’S DAY is a romantic comedy along the lines of LOVE ACTUALLY – in which we follow a number of characters, all loosely connected, living in contemporary LA on Valentine’s Day. We have everything from a teenager trying to lose her virginity (Emma Roberts); to a serving officer home on leave (Julia Roberts); from a cynical “player” sports journalist (Jamie Foxx) to an old-romantic florist (Ashton Kutcher) and many many more besides.

It is easy to deride VALENTINE’S DAY. It is a movie that has been so carefully constructed in the Excel sheets of Hollywood producers that is feels about as real and alive as a frozen turkey twizzler. Every actor has been chosen for their essentially good looks and winning smile. Every character is broadly delineated as being wholesome and good and thus deserving of True Love or as being superficial and duplicitous and therefore only worthy of being Alone. It’s the sort of movie that pats itself on the back for being so liberal as to have a gay character but doesn’t have the balls to show him making out. There is no plot development that cannot be predicted well in advance and no satire that hasn’t had its rough edges smoothed down. It’s a movie so shiny and brightly coloured in makes LOVE ACTUALLY - with its depiction of at least two “good characters” who end up unloved at the end of it – seem spiky and socially aware.

Nonetheless, I can’t deny that I had a passably good time watching the film, in the same way that a can of coke is predictable, tasty at the time, but offers no nutritional value. In a rising tide of blandness, Queen Latifah delivers one truly superb line, Taylor Swift was surprisingly willing to play dumb, and Anne Hathaway is always good at pulling off vulnerability. As for the rest of the cast, there’s nothing to write home about. The only thing that really pissed me off was the gaff in the writing that had Bradley Cooper’s character flying coach on a fourteen hour flight when he’s rich enough to have a chauffeur-driven limousine. Please. That guy would’ve been safely ensconsed in his personal sleeper seat in Business rather than propping up Julia Robert’s dozing head.

VALENTINE'S DAY is on global release.

THE EYE - not scary

High production values don't offset the lack of imagination, visual flair or genuine chills in this piss-poor Hollywood remake of the Pang Brothers 2002 original. Jessica Alba plays a blind concert violinist who undergoes an eye transplant after which she starts seeing dead people. Alessandro Nivola is the psychiatrist who helps her journey to Mexico to discover the original owner of her eyes and the secret behind the spooky visions. It's all very predictable, nicely done, but not scary in the least.

THE EYE was released in early 2008 and is available on DVD.

THE LOVE GURU - not quite good enough

Here's the thing. I don't find dick and fart jokes particularly funny. (This isn't judgmental - just a a matter of taste). Nor do I find comedians putting on ethnic accents at the cutting edge of humour: Peter Sellars had that down decades ago. Having said all that, I love WAYNE'S WORLD and the first AUSTIN POWERS movie. They were such warm-hearted joyful pastiches of genre-movies, I could overlook the occasional crude joke. Mike Myers' latest movie, THE LOVE GURU, tilts the balance firmly in favour of the crude and away from the thoughtful spoof. That's fine and if you like that kind of humour, as many of the people in the cinema I was in last night did, you'll have a really good times. The litmus test is this: is the idea of two lychees wrapped in pastry to look like balls funny to you? If so, go forth and enjoy!

If you don't find that funny, as I didn't, is there enough in this film to keep you satisfied? My answer is wishy-washy. I can't say I'd want to watch THE LOVE GURU again, and I did cringe every time Ben Kingsley portrayed a cross-eyed Indian guru. (Has Ganndhi come to this?!) The running joke using Marishka Hargitay's name may not play in the UK and Justin Timberlake is definitely worth more than his cameo as a camp Quebecois hockey player. And the scene where the trainee gurus joust with urine covered mops was truly tragic.

But there are a handful of genuine laughs in this movie, and I had an okay time with it. The basic idea is that Mike Myers is a LA based celebrity Guru, always striving to be bigger than Deepak Chopra. If Guru Pitka can reunite an ice-hockey star and his wife in time to restore his game and win the championship, the Guru will appear on Oprah securing his position as number one Guru. Pitka has a bunch of risible self-help techniques, signified by trade-marked acronyms, and the titles of all his books ARE funny. The early sight gag of the motorised cushion is also brilliant. I even liked the Bollywood song-and-dance number spoofs with Jessica Alba.

Still, as funny as the soft spoofery was, I couldn't help but think that THE LOVE GURU would've worked better as a SNL sketch. And, if truth be told, the funniest thing in it IS like a SNL sketch - Stephen Colbert's satire on sports commentators was sharper and edgier than anything Myers brought to the table.

THE LOVE GURU was released earlier this year in the USA, Australia and Israel. It is currently on release in Iceland, Italu and the UK. It opens later in August in Singapore, Sweden, Finland, Norway and Turkey. It opens in September in Belgium, the Netherlands, Venezuela and France. It opens in October in France, Germany, Austria and Spain.

AWAKE - a one trick pony

Debutant writer-director Joby Harold constructs a thriller with a fairly obvious plot, even if you haven't seen the trailer. If you have seen the trailer, there's really no point seeing the movie, because the entire plot is given away: fain will you look for further plot twists. If you haven't, I guess you could check this out on DVD: it's probably not worth a trip to the cinema.

The premise is that a man is given a general anaesthetic, but while he looks numb he's actually still awake. As a result, he can hear that the surgeons giving him a heart transplant are actually plotting to kill him. How do you alert the authorities when you're apparently out cold?

Hayden Christensen, Terrence Howard and Jessica Alba do a decent enough job as the victim, his surgeon and his love interest respectively, but the only stand-out performance is from Lena Olin as the victim's mother. It's a pleasure to see her back on the screen.

AWAKE was released in the USA last year and was released in Russia, Portugal, Israel, Turkey, South Korea, Thailand and Spain earlier this year. It is currently on release in the UK and Brazil and opens later in Paril in Singapore and Iceland. It opens in Argentina in May and in Belgium and the Netherlands in September.

Dullard DVD of the month - GOOD LUCK CHUCK

GOOD LUCK CHUCK is a piss-poor romantic comedy starring alleged stand up comedian Dane Cook and the not unattractive Jessica Alba. The set-up is ridiculous. Dane Cook plays a man who has been cursed. If a woman sleeps with him, she is bound to marry the next guy she dates. Apparently, this leads lots of credulous women to offer themselves to him, just so they can end up married - an absurd, and borderline misogynistic premise. Cook's character then meets a pretty girl played by Jessica Alba and has to work out how to date her, but stop marrying the next guy she meets.

Director Mark Helfrich eschews verbal witticisms in favour of physical humour. Now I have nothing against slapstick but this stuff is obvious and neither Cook nor Alba have the talent to pull it off. Neither do they have the chemistry to pull of a rom-com. As for Cook's comedy side-kick, Dan Fogler, that actor is rapidly becoming the Rob Schneider of his generation. Definitely one to avoid.

GOOD LUCK CHUCK was released in Autumn 2007 and is now available on DVD.

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER - refreshingly simple

The new FANTASTIC FOUR movie is unpretentious, kind-hearted and fun. It won't win any awards, but after the bloated, god-awful summer blockbusters I've been subjected to this year, RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER is arguably the best summer movie I've seen this year.

You know the MO. The Fantastic Four are like a love-able family who happen to have super-powers. There's none of that secret identity, inner turmoil crap. The nearest we get to an emotional crisis is that Dr Fantastic (Ioan Gruffud) and The Invisible Girl (Jessica Alba) keep having their wedding interrupted by super-villains! And as for political allegory or delusions of grandeur, the only charge is a faint whiff of Gitmo in the interrogation of the Surfer, but this passes very quickly. Frankly, no-one's taking this moving too seriously. Chris Evans is clearly having a blast, Ioan Gruffud is making rain and the talentless Jessica Alba is proving that Hollywood really is an equal opportunities employer.

In this episode of the franchise, the apparent villain is The Silver Surfer. He's silver, he surfs, he has the voice of Larry Fishburne and the body of Doug Jones. More importantly, he's not really a bad guy but the herald for the truly horrific Galactos. The plot arc sees the FF persuading the Surfer to help them battle Galactos and their old nemesis Victor Von Doom.*

Like I said, FANTASTIC FOUR 2 is not a great comic-book movie in the vein of the first Sam Raimi's SPIDERMAN movie. But neither is it an embarassment in the manner of SPIDERMAN 3. So if you want a good old-fashioned mediocre comic-book flick: this is the movie for you!

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER is on release.

*Minor criticism and spoiler: Bear in mind that I have never read a comic in my life.....But if the Surfer could destroy the Galactos all along, why didn't he do it in the first place? Surely that would have alleviated the threat to his home planet, his beloved, and left him free from being complicit in genocide?! Another unrelated questions for fanboys: does Von Doom look like the Emperor from Jedi in the comics too?