THE BANK JOB - brilliant story; workmanlike execution

True story: in 1976 a bunch of loveable idiots tunnelled into a London bank and nicked three million quid in cash and jewels. They also nicked some tasty pornographic photographs incriminating a member of the royal family and more than a few members of the government. This, naturally, caught the attention of the British secret service, policeman both straight and corrupt, not to mention the porn king of Soho. In fairness though, the rozzers were given a bit of a head start when an amateur radio enthusiast picked up the idiot robbers chatting to each other on their walkie-talkies!

It's a great story. The resulting film, however, is worth a watch but probably not the price of a cinema ticket. It's more the kind of film you watch by chance on Freeview on a boring Tuesday night. Roger Donaldson's direction is competent but unimaginative. The cast are all fine but there are no stand-out performances. (Although I have to say that David Suchet did look eerily like Ronnie Barker.) The production design is fine, but I've seen the seventies re-created more thoroughly on screen. The biggest problem is that the heist takes too long to crank up and grind out. The viewer has more fun watching the bunglers wriggle out of the mess they've made. Frankly, we could've lost twenty minutes off the run-time and it would've been a much snappier, much more exciting film.

THE BANK JOB is on release in the UK. It opens in the USA on March 7th; in Russia on April 3rd; in Finland on July 11th; in the Netherlands on July 31st; and in Belgium on August 6th.

RISE OF THE FOOTSOLDIER - strangely good

RISE OF THE FOOTSOLDIER is a loose autobiography of a real-life East End gangster called Carlton Leach. He makes the transition from vicious football hooligan to vicious doorman and muscle for hire by way of serious steroid abuse, narcotics abuse, wife abuse, torture and at the very least being an accessory to murder. Given that the movie is about a bunch of mindless, vulgar, misogynistc thugs, it's full of mindless, vulgar, misogynistic language and sex. This had less some reviewers to criticise the movie as vulgar and misogynistic. I think that's to miss the point spectacularly. What the movie does is depict a very real and very petrifying slice of British life. I actually don't think the film glamourises the lifestyle. In fact, the central characters come across a bunch of stupid wankers and are dispatched accordingly. What I did like was the attention to detail that added a touch of reality and authenticity. For instance, when the anti-hero starts taking steroids to add muscle he gets a craving for nutrient-rich baby-food. It's not the kind of film in which you can praise performances. Pretty much all the actors have to do is look thuggish, swear and kick the crap out of people. But I will praise the cinematography and production design which is suitably grim, grimy and gritty.

RISE OF THE FOOTSOLDIER is on release in the UK.

WHITE NOISE: THE LIGHT - low-rent, no thrills

Once upon a time there was a low-budget, vaguely SIXTH SENSE thriller starring Michael Keaton that made a comparatively large amount of money at the box office. Studios being what they are, it comes as no surprise to find another low-budget, vaguely SIXTH SENSE thriller following hot on its heels. However, people who liked the first flick should take note of the fact that Michael Keaton does not star in this follow-up - a signal of its weak script; poor production values; and lack of any real suspense; genuine jump-out-of-your-seat shocks; or all-pervasive spookiness. Instead, we get piss-poor CGI effects and a cast of anonymous unknowns with precious little acting talent. The only semi-big name - Nathan Fillion - is especially wooden. Just watch him NOT emote after his wife and child are shot in the pivotal opening sequence. British audiences will understand just how low the bar has been set for acting when I reveal that the bonkers murderer is none other than Dan Sullivan from Eastenders. If you want to watch a decent movie about how far we can escape our fate - whether if we know someone is about to die we can and should save them - check out DEJA VU instead.

WHITE NOISE: THE LIGHT is on release in the UK. It opens in Spain in April and in the Netherlands in May. No US release data, apparently, you lucky bastards.